Oh My!

I'm closer to having Baby C. But not really "ready" yet. At least that is what my doctor told me. I had another "Non Stress Test" yesterday. And both Baby C and I are doing good. We're just not ready for the "Birthing Process" yet.

So my doctor gave me a list of things to do. All of which, I've been doing. You know, exercise, spicy food, relaxing. But nothing is helping. I've also tried more "natural" things. Like different herbs and teas.

The only thing I haven't tried is sex. Because I'm in the middle of a divorce. I'm pretty sure that T hates me. So that would just be stupid. And well, who else is there? I'm almost 41 weeks pregnant. Not much of a catch...

Anyway, I watched this video today on YouTube. I think I might have scared myself. So much so, that I'm OK if my daughter decides to wait until 42 weeks to make her arrival. Do they seriously have to cut you? I hope not!

I know. I went to classes. They showed us videos. But I guess it didn't feel "real" yet. Because I wasn't days away from giving birth. But you know what? Whatever it takes to have a healthy Baby C, I'm more than willing to do. I just want my little girl to be healthy. XOXO

He Makes Me Sad

I watched this video just now, and it made me cry. Why? Because look at how happy Chloe and Chris are. What an amazing dad. Chloe looks so happy!

Today, T and I had another Court Date. He insisted on it. My lawyer called me on Monday to let me know. Yes, at 39 weeks, and 2 days, I went to court. He flat out told the judge, he didn't want to be Baby C's father. Whether DNA can prove it or not.

The judge has left it up to me. If I decide to put T's name on Baby C's birth certificate, he is her father. Then I'll have the option to petition for Child Support and such. Or I can allow T to sign over all Parental Rights. If I do that, his name won't go on Baby C's birth certificate. I can't ever ask for anything from him. Which is more than OK with me. It honestly is. But the judge will not hear any of my decisions unit after Baby C is born.

Here I am, 2 days from my due date. We should be so happy! T and I should be sitting in our home, planning on our Baby Girl's birth. Just thinking about the rest of our lives. Instead, we're in Court. Fighting about whether or not T is going to be held responsible, in the eyes of the Court, as Baby C's father.

It makes me really sad. Because T and I always talked about, what it was like growing up in a "Broken Home." And how we wanted to be married forever. To give our kids a better life. Now look at us. We can't even figure out which way is up.

I wanted so badly to work this out between T and I. And when I realized that there was nothing left to fight for, I at least wanted our baby to have a good relationship with T. But T wants nothing of it. I should be grateful that he decided this before Baby C's birth. Before she grows dependent on her dad.

But it still hurts. It hurts that he left me. Left me for not only 1 other woman, but 2. Who knows, there are probably more. And that he lied to me. Lied about his Baby Girl, M. Both of these innocent babies, deserve a better father.

More than anything, it hurts me that my Baby Girl will never have a relationship with her daddy. She will never have the chance to know the loving side of him. The side that loves, comforts, and protects. It pains me that there will never be love shared between the 2 of them. But that is T's decision. Not mine. And one day, he'll have to explain that to our daughter. XOXO

Planning Something Nice

My friend Barracuda has been amazing. He's been an incredible friend. Helping me through my separation with T, our ongoing divorce, and my pregnancy. He's been so good!

Well, he had a really tough day today. A bad one. He's not been having a nice weekend at all. I feel really bad. Especially since I can't physically be there to be supportive. But we talked on the phone.

Mondays are our days to have dinner together. For a while now, we've been meeting on Mondays evenings. We have dinner. And he helps me do things around my house. Or we just hangout. But I've been wanting to do something special for him. Because he always brings me dinner, or cooks for me. And he never asks me for anything.

At our Baby Shower, his mom let me know, Barracuda really likes chili. And I searched for a good recipe. Remember, I'm not a very good cook. But I found this recipe. And with some changes, I'm going to make a big pot tomorrow. And maybe I can figure out how to make some corn bread. You know the kind, the mix that you just add water to. :)

Ya, I want to do something to help lift Barracuda's spirits. He's been so amazing to me. And I just want to be able to give him support right now too. Wish me luck with my cooking! :) XOXO

Pretty Necklaces

At 3:42 of this video...I LOVE the necklaces! They are just so pretty. And dainty. I don't have anything like these. And I really want one now. I just wish I could afford one. Well, maybe I can find one somewhere. Something that looks similar, but that is much more in my budget. Anyone seen anything like this? XOXO

Fried Tuna Stuffed Jumbo Pasta Shells

Gosh these look yummy! If I didn't have such a big belly, I'd try them. But I fear, I might burn my baby belly. And that wouldn't be good. I should have probably mastered cooking before getting pregnant. Well, what are you gonna do? What's done is done. Maybe Barracuda and I could attempt these. And he can deal with the frying. :) XOXO

So Cute!

I really like watching Shandel. Her videos are adorable. Both her vlogs and makeup videos. But this video definitely caught my attention. Look at how cute the crib bedding is! I would have never thought about black and white for a baby. Oh ya, she's having a girl too!

But seriously, this is a cute set! I already picked out my little one's bedding. We're lucky. We actually got 2 sets. I bought one. And the other was a gift. Nothing like this. But still cute. I'm just in love with all things nursery recently. :) XOXO

MAC Eyeshadows

I really like to watch these types of videos. And these colors that Shandel talked about, are beautiful! I need to add these to my list. I really like these colors. And because I'm still makeup challenged, I like to take advice from makeup lovers. And women like Shandel. Her makeup always looks amazing! Do you have any favorites to add? XOXO

Blueberry Cobbler

Yum! This looks so delicious! I desperately want to make this. I know. I'm not a cook. Or a baker. But it looks so yummy! And I'm feeling confident. Like I can actually make this little beauty. Hmm, I wonder if I have everything that I need. XOXO

Baby Got Back

This song, it came out when my bestie and I were 8 or 9. No lie! And she has always had one of those ghetto booties. You know, the big bubble butt. So this was her song. Not by her choice. But because I used to sing it to her all the time! Now, everytime I hear it, it reminds me of her!

Barracuda and I were just having a lazy day. Listening to old school music and getting my house baby proofed. That's when this song came on. And instantly, I thought of my bestie! I told Barracuda all about our childhood. And how I would bug my bestie with this song.

In the end, we agreed, it's her song. Because no matter what size she is, she still has the ghetto booty. Size 0 or size 5. She's got a booty! I'm pretty sure The Guy doesn't mind either. :) XOXO

Baby Showers on the Brain

I've had our baby shower on the brain lately. It's just over a month away. I can't believe it! And Baby C will be here in less than 2 months!!! Where has the time gone? I just want to know that much.

But I found this cute video on YouTube. I hope our baby shower is just as much fun. And is exciting! I really can't wait. Mostly because I want to see my friends. Lots of them are pregnant or just had babies! And I just want to hang out with them.

That's the only downfall to where I live now. I'm an easy 2-3 hours away! And I don't get to spend as much time with my friends. Not even my bestie. So I'm really looking forward to our baby shower. And time with my friends. And mostly, celebrating Baby C! XOXO

Do I

This song, it reminds me of my husband. It makes me cry when I hear it. Every time. I miss him. I miss sleeping in his arms. Waking up in the morning next to him. Being silly together. Losing to him at video games. Trying to cook. Just being together.

I still love him. I'm pretty sure I always will. Especially since we're having this precious baby girl together. How can I not love him? But I'm pretty sure, he doesn't love me. No matter how much I love him, he's moved on.

That's the tough part. Because He was my everything. And here I am. Left with a baby on the way, and our dog. It's hard. It's our reality. But this song, it will always remind me of him. It's everything I feel. Why didn't he give us a chance? That, I will never know. XOXO

I Can't Wait for This Day!

My friend is sick. I think he has the flu. So I'm alone tonight. Since I've moved, he's made it a point to come see me every Monday evening. So I'm a little sad tonight. I'm already missing our talks and dinner. He's a pretty good cook. Unlike me. And I didn't know what to do with myself. I know. I must sound lame.

But I didn't know what to do tonight. So I decided to watch some parenting videos on YouTube. You know, from parents. About real life stuff. And I found Jeni. She has some great videos. I found her because I was looking for some videos on breastfeeding. And I found some of the best advice out there.

This video in particular, it made me cry. It's of her son's 1st birthday. And I just can't wait to be able to celebrate my baby's 1st birthday too! I'm just sad that she's not going to get the family she deserves. She deserves to have a daddy that loves her too. So this was a little bit of a mix for me. I cried. But you know what, I'm going to be the best mommy I can be for my little girl. XOXO

90210

When I was little, my parents wouldn't let me watch 90201 or Melrose Place. And I remember that's all I ever wanted to watch. But they wouldn't let me. I found this clip, and it totally reminded me of how much I used to want to watch it.

My bestie used to watch it. And she'd tell me all about the romance between Brenda and Dylan. I was just dying to watch it. How funny! But I really wanted to watch it. And I still want to. If only I could find the DVDs to this show. :) XOXO

Chocolate Banana Smoothie

I have a very soft spot in my heart for anything banana flavored. I don't know why. But that's just the way it is. Banana milk is still my favorite thing to drink! :)

I was doing a search for a banana shake, and I found this video. Yum! It looks so good. And easy. I just happen to have everything I need to make it too. I'm going to go make one for me and my baby girl. :) XOXO

Inspiration

I found a new YouTuber to watch, Laci. She's amazing. And has a beautiful little girl, JJ. I found her recently. And over the last few days, I've watched all her videos.

I wanted to cry when I watched this video. Because I can sorta relate. But not really. My hubby was amazing to me. Until we lost our first baby. Everything went downhill from there. But Laci just shows me, you can do it. You deserve better.

I know that I deserve a better life. I deserve to have a man that loves me. A man who will respect and honor me. Not cheat on me, then throw it in my house. And tell me that I deserved it.

Laci is my inspiration. Just watching her in her last few videos, it gives me hope that my daughter and I are going to be OK. That we're going to make it. In the end, she is the only thing that matters. Thanks Laci for all your inspiration and hope that you've given me. :) XOXO

Cute Hair

I really like Shandel's hair in this video. I want to cut my hair before Baby C is born. I already have short hair. But this is a cute style. I don't want to die my hair. I actually like my color right now. But I like this cut. I'm just not sure if it would look good on me or not. I guess I should probably just take the leap. After all, hair grows back! XOXO

The Current Boobies

I've been watching Lorraine for a long time. She has 2 YouTube channels. But my favorite is The Current Boobies. She posts daily vlogs. Lots of them include her mom and her dog Clyde. He's adorable! This video just made me smile. Reminds me of W and me. Except my dog, he's a big boy!



Do you watch YouTube videos? I've found since T and I separated, I watch a lot of YouTube! Because I don't have much else to do. I'm not watching as much as I did during the winter. Or when I first moved. Now I spend a lot of time outside. But I still like to watch lots and lots of videos! XOXO

Little White Church

This song reminds me so much of my bestie and her guy. I don't know why. Maybe because the 2 of them are in no way, shape or form, anxious about tying the knot. Their relationship, as is, works for them. And I think that's a great thing. And it's amazing how they stick to their guns.

But baby C and I might just love to go to a wedding. Maybe they're waiting on her to be born. Anyway that you look at it, I can't wait! One day, those 2 will get married. They were made for each other. Like no other 2 people that I've ever known. They're amazing! And I'm so happy to be in their lives. :) XOXO

Carrot Cake

Yum! Carrot cake. And homemade. Betty do you want to come out here and work for our friend? That way, we can eat your yummy food every day? That might be bad though. I'd probably gain so much weight! But these recipes are so yummy! And I want to try this one. Maybe when we get back from our trip to FL. But doesn't this look yummy? XOXO

Consider Me Gone

This song, it comes to mind when I think of my hubby. Did he really call me? And say all those things? Like these 2 babies are all my fault? He's the one that cheated. Not me. I'm done. Beyond done to be honest. And he has the nerve to ask me to wait for him. To let him try this out with his other "Baby Mama." If that doesn't work, he wants to give us a try. I can't be serious. But he is. Oh brother! I'm done. I just can't do this anymore... XOXO