He Makes Me Sad

I watched this video just now, and it made me cry. Why? Because look at how happy Chloe and Chris are. What an amazing dad. Chloe looks so happy!

Today, T and I had another Court Date. He insisted on it. My lawyer called me on Monday to let me know. Yes, at 39 weeks, and 2 days, I went to court. He flat out told the judge, he didn't want to be Baby C's father. Whether DNA can prove it or not.

The judge has left it up to me. If I decide to put T's name on Baby C's birth certificate, he is her father. Then I'll have the option to petition for Child Support and such. Or I can allow T to sign over all Parental Rights. If I do that, his name won't go on Baby C's birth certificate. I can't ever ask for anything from him. Which is more than OK with me. It honestly is. But the judge will not hear any of my decisions unit after Baby C is born.

Here I am, 2 days from my due date. We should be so happy! T and I should be sitting in our home, planning on our Baby Girl's birth. Just thinking about the rest of our lives. Instead, we're in Court. Fighting about whether or not T is going to be held responsible, in the eyes of the Court, as Baby C's father.

It makes me really sad. Because T and I always talked about, what it was like growing up in a "Broken Home." And how we wanted to be married forever. To give our kids a better life. Now look at us. We can't even figure out which way is up.

I wanted so badly to work this out between T and I. And when I realized that there was nothing left to fight for, I at least wanted our baby to have a good relationship with T. But T wants nothing of it. I should be grateful that he decided this before Baby C's birth. Before she grows dependent on her dad.

But it still hurts. It hurts that he left me. Left me for not only 1 other woman, but 2. Who knows, there are probably more. And that he lied to me. Lied about his Baby Girl, M. Both of these innocent babies, deserve a better father.

More than anything, it hurts me that my Baby Girl will never have a relationship with her daddy. She will never have the chance to know the loving side of him. The side that loves, comforts, and protects. It pains me that there will never be love shared between the 2 of them. But that is T's decision. Not mine. And one day, he'll have to explain that to our daughter. XOXO

Planning Something Nice

My friend Barracuda has been amazing. He's been an incredible friend. Helping me through my separation with T, our ongoing divorce, and my pregnancy. He's been so good!

Well, he had a really tough day today. A bad one. He's not been having a nice weekend at all. I feel really bad. Especially since I can't physically be there to be supportive. But we talked on the phone.

Mondays are our days to have dinner together. For a while now, we've been meeting on Mondays evenings. We have dinner. And he helps me do things around my house. Or we just hangout. But I've been wanting to do something special for him. Because he always brings me dinner, or cooks for me. And he never asks me for anything.

At our Baby Shower, his mom let me know, Barracuda really likes chili. And I searched for a good recipe. Remember, I'm not a very good cook. But I found this recipe. And with some changes, I'm going to make a big pot tomorrow. And maybe I can figure out how to make some corn bread. You know the kind, the mix that you just add water to. :)

Ya, I want to do something to help lift Barracuda's spirits. He's been so amazing to me. And I just want to be able to give him support right now too. Wish me luck with my cooking! :) XOXO

Do I

This song, it reminds me of my husband. It makes me cry when I hear it. Every time. I miss him. I miss sleeping in his arms. Waking up in the morning next to him. Being silly together. Losing to him at video games. Trying to cook. Just being together.

I still love him. I'm pretty sure I always will. Especially since we're having this precious baby girl together. How can I not love him? But I'm pretty sure, he doesn't love me. No matter how much I love him, he's moved on.

That's the tough part. Because He was my everything. And here I am. Left with a baby on the way, and our dog. It's hard. It's our reality. But this song, it will always remind me of him. It's everything I feel. Why didn't he give us a chance? That, I will never know. XOXO

This is Tough

We went to court again today. It was so tough. T just doesn't want to acknowledge that were having a baby. The judge is so fed up with him. To tell you the truth, I thought I was going to come out on the raw end of this deal. Just because of who my hubby is. And what he does for a living.

But he's making a jackass out of himself every time we go to court. The judge had to threaten him with arresting him again. And T about had a fit when the judge ordered him to pay for my doctor's bills, all of them. From the 1st time I went to the doctor, until after our baby girl is born. He did not like that. He also ordered T to pay me spousal support. Since he makes almost 10X's as much as I do.

The crazy thing is, I never wanted any of this. I didn't want money. I didn't want any of our material goods. I just wanted out. But T didn't want to get a divorce. I don't know why. He's living with his daughter, and her mom. He's trying to make that work. But he also wants to be married to me. How is this fair?

I know that the judge is fed up. He's pissed! And now, he's making T pay in all kinds of ways. And I have no say. I'm also not going to make the judge mad. I just want a divorce by the time our little girl is born. I don't want to have to be dragging her to court too. I just hope we can get it done.

It's been a tough day. I'm ready for some ice cream. And a little relaxing. I wonder what is on TV tonight. I just need to take my mind off of the horrible day that I've had. Because we'll be back in court in 2 short weeks. XOXO

He Disappoints Me

Today, T and I went to court. We're trying to get divorced here. He is fighting it. Why? I have no damn clue. Since he's the one that cheated, had a baby with another woman, and now is dating 2 women. Ugh! It just makes me mad to try and wrap my head around it all. But there it is.

I thought for sure, I was going to be screwed today in court. But I was almost positive that I would be divorced. No. Not at all. I didn't get a divorce. The judge was pissed. And we have to return in 2 weeks. It was all my T's fault. He went a little nuts in court. Yelling and all. They threatened to arrest him. Then he shut up.

But by this time, nasty things had been said. I was in tears. And the judge was pissed! So there you go. The judge was also not happy that T has not paid for anything having to do with my pregnancy. And that I moved away, taking nothing. I also have not used any of my T's money since last June. Oh, and my car, his girlfriend is now using it.

There you go. My day. It sucked. And I'm still married. To a man that has a baby with another woman. Living in our house. And I'm here. Getting ready for our little girl. Taking care of our dog. But I would rather be on my own than to have to deal with the life that T has made for himself. It's just a mess.

But there was a good thing that happened today. Some close friends of mine welcomed their baby girl into the world today. Life is amazing. I'm so happy for them. I really need to go. It's late and I have to work tomorrow. XOXO

Lawyers and Divorce

Yesterday I went to see my lawyer. T still doesn't want to get divorced. Never mind that his daughter is days old. And he has moved in his daughter's mom into our house. There is still the other girlfriend too. What is going on with T? Is he having a mid life crisis about 10 years early?

I don't know. But the last thing I want to deal with is this divorce. And fighting with T. But I can't live like this. I need and deserve a better life. I want a better life for my daughter too. Off to the lawyer I went yesterday. I cried. I've been so emotional lately.

T wants me to have a paternity test. Why? He was the unfaithful one. And it makes me so mad! I just want a divorce. On what planet does he think I would stay married to him? He had another child with another woman. And is dating a 3rd. Craziness! What happened to the man I fell in love with and married? I don't recognize the man T has become.

But that is my life right now. At least I have W. Looks like I'll have him for a while. T doesn't seem interested in getting him back anytime soon. I'm happy about that. I need someone to love. And someone that loves me. At least W, our dog and 1st baby, can love me. I just need to stop crying over everything. People I cried watching Glee! XOXO

Consider Me Gone

This song, it comes to mind when I think of my hubby. Did he really call me? And say all those things? Like these 2 babies are all my fault? He's the one that cheated. Not me. I'm done. Beyond done to be honest. And he has the nerve to ask me to wait for him. To let him try this out with his other "Baby Mama." If that doesn't work, he wants to give us a try. I can't be serious. But he is. Oh brother! I'm done. I just can't do this anymore... XOXO

Don't Cheat in Our Hometown

This song, it sums up the way I feel about my hubby's actions. I'm shocked. Sad. Mad. Everything. Why? I guess there are some things I will never really understand. Like him telling me that we were going to work through all of our problems. Then I find out he's been seeing not 1, but 2 different women. Well, that I know of. Nothing would surprise me at this point. Let's just be that honest. I guess, this is just the end. The end to our story as a couple. But not to our story together. That is still being written... XOXO

What Hurts the Most

What hurts the most is not seeing T. Not falling asleep in his arms. Not talking through our problems. Not being together. I love him. More than I can ever explain. But we're just not working out. And it won't work out if we don't sit and talk about our problems. This could take a while. But I hope that we're able to work through all of our issues. Because I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. XOXO

Double Fudge Peanut Butter Cookies

I'm still feeling down. I feel like I'm in the gutter. Just a piece of garbage. That's it. And I'm definitely not feeling like eating healthy. I saw this video. And now, all of a sudden I want to bake these cookies. Ugh! When I'm I going to feel human again?

Now I'm off to make a batch of cookies. And yes, I'm going to eat the entire batch. Maybe that will make me feel better. XOXO

Feeling Like Baking

I was going through some of our Wedding Presents. And I came across this baking set of pans. It makes me want to bake something. What? I don't know. But I'm still not feeling very well. And I'd love to get out of this funk. And baked goods usually help me feel better. Hmm, maybe I can make some boxed muffins. Or something easy like that. XOXO

Never Love You Enough

I know that T and I are going through a tough time right now. But I still love him so much. This song, it reminds me of him. And how much I love him. I just wish that he was here right now. So we could talk. But he's working. And I understand that. I just hope that we can make it past this. XOXO

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

The weather around here has been pretty miserable. The mood around here has been pretty down too. Work for T and "The Guy" has been less than appealing. And believe me when I say this, this rain is not helping!

Today, they're working. And I hope things go well. If not, it could be T's job that's on the line. But something tells me, this rain is going to come and ruin the party. It's driving me nuts! You would think we are in the dead of winter. Big jackets and lots of layers have been on the list.

And the whole entertaining thing that my bestie is doing, that's going really well. But it's hard for them to perform outside when it's pouring! Literally it's raining "Cats and Dogs." And well, it just makes me want to stay at home in bed...

But we have a lot to do today. And work for T. So we better get up. Ya, T is refusing to wake up. At the moment, he's under the blankets. Asleep again. I've already tried to wake him up 4 times! But we need to get up and get ready for the day. I'm just praying the rain stays away. XOXO

Friends

So after T and I almost killed ourselves, with this recipe, we were really down. Not feeling good. And just miserable! But our friends came to the rescue! They're really amazing.

My bestie made us some yummy veggie soup and sandwiches. She got us all kinds of medicine to help us. And she just took care of us. Her guy, he helped her too. We must have been a sight! T and I had the worst fevers and couldn't keep much down. But our friends were there for us.

And now, both T and I feel a whole lot better! We're still sticking to soup, sandwiches, and 7UP. But I know we're going to be better in no time. Oh, and "The Guy" went out and bought us a meat thermometer. He doesn't want us to kill ourselves, by eating raw meat.

Lessons learned I guess. I swear that the chicken was cooked all the way. In fact, T checked it. And it didn't taste, look, smell, of feel weird. But who knows what happened. All that I know is, I'm just happy to be feeling human again. Maybe by Sunday I'll want a hotdog or 2. :) XOXO

Cooking Problems

I'm pretty sure I didn't do something right last night. I tried to cook this. And well, I don't know what happened. But around midnight, T and I thought we were going to die! Yes, we did. Turns out, we had food poisoning. How do I know? We ended up at the doctor's office early this morning.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the 2 of us cooked together. Yes, T helped me. He's more experienced in the kitchen. I just don't know what happened. I know it wasn't the rice or other veggies we made. Or the dessert... that was store bought.

I'm thinking that maybe the chicken wasn't all the way cooked. But I honestly don't know. All I do know is, we got sick. Ridiculously sick! So did W. And we have to travel today. Am I serious? Yes! T has to go to work. I just hope we're feeling better really soon! XOXO

Our Families

We're now days away from becoming Mr. and Mrs. M! I've never been more excited or sure of anything in my life. Ever!

But there is still some sadness in my heart. Mostly because our families are not going to be at our wedding. Isn't that what weddings are all about? Celebrating with your family and friends. We have so many friends that our taking time out, to come see us get married. So many people making the trip. But not our families...

I don't know much of T's background with his family. Just that they're not close. And they don't think he should be getting married. I've never met any of them. And they're refusing to come to the wedding. It's sad.

With one exception. His sister, C. She will be coming to our wedding. I wish I would have known sooner. I would have LOVED for her to be in our wedding. But it was a last minute decision. And to be honest, I'm just excited that T will have someone there. :)

As for my family. Well, to make it a short story, it's dysfunctional. My dad left when I was little. My parents' marriage was never good. And 1 day, they just got divorced. Now that I think about it, it was probably the best thing they could have done for my little brother and me. But our dad, he was never really a dad. I never got along with him. And out of his 3 kids, well he was a dad to none of us.

My mom, she's just bitter. She blames the whole wreck of her life on me. Because she got pregnant with me and felt the need, to have to marry my dad. Her life was apparently never the same. And she blames me for it. As soon as I turned 18, she wanted me out of the house. That's how much she hates me. There has never been anything I could do to change her mind. No matter how much I love her.

And when she found out that T and I were dating, and later engaged, that was it. She completely wrote me off. And threatened the entire family. Because she pretty much rules the family, they all listen to her. And that means I haven't talked to my little brother and my grandma in months! My little brother and grandma would be the only 2 people from my family, that I'd really want at my wedding. But I have no way to contact them.

It really is a sad situation. But there's nothing that I can really do to change it. It's completely out of my hands. But on my wedding day, I'm going to feel a sense of sadness, just because these 2 people that I love so much, can't be there. I know, they are always in my heart. But it would be nice to share this very important day with all of them. And I would like nothing more than for T to meet them. XOXO

No Wedding Dress

Did I know when we picked our wedding date that this month was going to be hard? Yes. T is working almost nonstop. I have no real clue about anything wedding related. I've never planned anything. And well, I'm beyond overwhelmed!

12 days from now, I will be getting married. I have no dress. I haven't picked out a dress for my bestie. I've been to the beautiful dress shops in the area. We even flew to NYC. Nothing!

I know we're getting married in Vegas. And it's going to be small. But seriously, I want a nice dress. Not a huge ballgown. But a nice dress.

The guys are working in CA this week. So my bestie, some other friends, and I are heading out early. Because I need to find my dress. Fingers crossed that I won't be walking down the aisle naked. XOXO

Missing My Grandma

I know. It must sound very childish. But I miss my grandma. I haven't seen her since the summer. Before T and I started dating. Before I moved.

Since then, my mom has gotten really nasty. And she won't let me see my grandma. My grandma and I talked 1 day on the phone. Then my mom took away her phone. How horrible is that? I tell you, my mom has a lot of issues that she needs to work out.

But I miss my grandma. We were always so close. And I wish that I could share this part of my life with her. I wish that I could introduce her to T. He is so amazing. And I know that they would get along so well. :)

There's not much I can do. Except keep her in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that I get the chance to see or even just speak with her really soon. Because I really miss my grandma. She was really like a mom to me and my brother, when we were growing up. She will always have a special place in my heart. XOXO

Tough

In every single way, this song reminds me of my bestie and her guy. They're so much in love. And she is sick. Really sick. Fighting it with all she has. And her guy, he's right there helping her through it. You can tell that he used to be a "tough guy." A little hard and reserved. But she has broken through all of that. And he just loves her. No matter what. Sickness and health. That's love. And she's strong. They're strong together. And I know that she's going to make it through all of this. :) XOXO

Bathing Suits

So I have no were near a "perfect" body. No, that's not me. I've got some nice "child bearing hips." I got that from my mom. And some slightly large breasts. The kind that need a little support. I also wear between a size 9 and 11. Just depending on the pants.

T doesn't seem to mind. It's funny. He doesn't even realize that I'm slightly bigger...OK bigger...than most of the women that travel in this group. I'm very aware of it. Maybe because my bestie is like a size -10. But she works out a lot. And performs. Her work somewhat depends on her body. Because she is a singer and dancer. I get it.

But it doesn't help that all these other women look like models. Or that we went to the beach yesterday. Just us ladies. And they all looked amazing in their bikinis. I sported a 1 piece. So did my bestie. But she totally looked better than I did.

I was feeling slightly down this morning, so I decided to look for a new bathing suit online. Something more girly. And I found this one. But I'm just not sure about it. I'm worried that my legs will look HUGE! And I won't have enough upper body support.

It's just weird. Most woman in the US are bigger than me. Or at least my size. And I feel so uncomfortable in my body. Why? I never felt like this before. But then again, I didn't travel in a group were most of the men are married to actual models. XOXO