Oh My!

I'm closer to having Baby C. But not really "ready" yet. At least that is what my doctor told me. I had another "Non Stress Test" yesterday. And both Baby C and I are doing good. We're just not ready for the "Birthing Process" yet.

So my doctor gave me a list of things to do. All of which, I've been doing. You know, exercise, spicy food, relaxing. But nothing is helping. I've also tried more "natural" things. Like different herbs and teas.

The only thing I haven't tried is sex. Because I'm in the middle of a divorce. I'm pretty sure that T hates me. So that would just be stupid. And well, who else is there? I'm almost 41 weeks pregnant. Not much of a catch...

Anyway, I watched this video today on YouTube. I think I might have scared myself. So much so, that I'm OK if my daughter decides to wait until 42 weeks to make her arrival. Do they seriously have to cut you? I hope not!

I know. I went to classes. They showed us videos. But I guess it didn't feel "real" yet. Because I wasn't days away from giving birth. But you know what? Whatever it takes to have a healthy Baby C, I'm more than willing to do. I just want my little girl to be healthy. XOXO

40 Weeks

Dear Baby Girl,

Today is our due date. And you're just not ready to come yet. I'm OK with that. Our doctor said neither of us is ready. We might have another 2 weeks to go. But I hope that I don't have to wait that long.

We had a crazy week. I'm sorry that I get so upset when we're around your Daddy. I never wanted things to be this way. But you know what, I've learned that I can't control these things. I hope your Daddy wakes up. And decided to come see you being born. I think that is something very special. Something that would start to build your relationship together. But I'm not in charge of that.

And your Uncle Barracuda has definitely been picking up the pieces for us. He's been great. Part of me wants to let him really love and take care of us. But I want to protect you. I don't want you to get hurt. So we are just going to have to wait this out. I know he loves us. But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of "Romantic Love" again.

All week, I've been going into your nursery. Sitting in my chair and looking at your crib. I can't wait until you are sleeping in there. I want to sit and read to you. To hold you. And to love you. Baby Girl, I just can't wait to meet you! I'm ready when you are!

XOXO Your Mommy

He Makes Me Sad

I watched this video just now, and it made me cry. Why? Because look at how happy Chloe and Chris are. What an amazing dad. Chloe looks so happy!

Today, T and I had another Court Date. He insisted on it. My lawyer called me on Monday to let me know. Yes, at 39 weeks, and 2 days, I went to court. He flat out told the judge, he didn't want to be Baby C's father. Whether DNA can prove it or not.

The judge has left it up to me. If I decide to put T's name on Baby C's birth certificate, he is her father. Then I'll have the option to petition for Child Support and such. Or I can allow T to sign over all Parental Rights. If I do that, his name won't go on Baby C's birth certificate. I can't ever ask for anything from him. Which is more than OK with me. It honestly is. But the judge will not hear any of my decisions unit after Baby C is born.

Here I am, 2 days from my due date. We should be so happy! T and I should be sitting in our home, planning on our Baby Girl's birth. Just thinking about the rest of our lives. Instead, we're in Court. Fighting about whether or not T is going to be held responsible, in the eyes of the Court, as Baby C's father.

It makes me really sad. Because T and I always talked about, what it was like growing up in a "Broken Home." And how we wanted to be married forever. To give our kids a better life. Now look at us. We can't even figure out which way is up.

I wanted so badly to work this out between T and I. And when I realized that there was nothing left to fight for, I at least wanted our baby to have a good relationship with T. But T wants nothing of it. I should be grateful that he decided this before Baby C's birth. Before she grows dependent on her dad.

But it still hurts. It hurts that he left me. Left me for not only 1 other woman, but 2. Who knows, there are probably more. And that he lied to me. Lied about his Baby Girl, M. Both of these innocent babies, deserve a better father.

More than anything, it hurts me that my Baby Girl will never have a relationship with her daddy. She will never have the chance to know the loving side of him. The side that loves, comforts, and protects. It pains me that there will never be love shared between the 2 of them. But that is T's decision. Not mine. And one day, he'll have to explain that to our daughter. XOXO

Planning Something Nice

My friend Barracuda has been amazing. He's been an incredible friend. Helping me through my separation with T, our ongoing divorce, and my pregnancy. He's been so good!

Well, he had a really tough day today. A bad one. He's not been having a nice weekend at all. I feel really bad. Especially since I can't physically be there to be supportive. But we talked on the phone.

Mondays are our days to have dinner together. For a while now, we've been meeting on Mondays evenings. We have dinner. And he helps me do things around my house. Or we just hangout. But I've been wanting to do something special for him. Because he always brings me dinner, or cooks for me. And he never asks me for anything.

At our Baby Shower, his mom let me know, Barracuda really likes chili. And I searched for a good recipe. Remember, I'm not a very good cook. But I found this recipe. And with some changes, I'm going to make a big pot tomorrow. And maybe I can figure out how to make some corn bread. You know the kind, the mix that you just add water to. :)

Ya, I want to do something to help lift Barracuda's spirits. He's been so amazing to me. And I just want to be able to give him support right now too. Wish me luck with my cooking! :) XOXO

Do I

This song, it reminds me of my husband. It makes me cry when I hear it. Every time. I miss him. I miss sleeping in his arms. Waking up in the morning next to him. Being silly together. Losing to him at video games. Trying to cook. Just being together.

I still love him. I'm pretty sure I always will. Especially since we're having this precious baby girl together. How can I not love him? But I'm pretty sure, he doesn't love me. No matter how much I love him, he's moved on.

That's the tough part. Because He was my everything. And here I am. Left with a baby on the way, and our dog. It's hard. It's our reality. But this song, it will always remind me of him. It's everything I feel. Why didn't he give us a chance? That, I will never know. XOXO

This is Tough

We went to court again today. It was so tough. T just doesn't want to acknowledge that were having a baby. The judge is so fed up with him. To tell you the truth, I thought I was going to come out on the raw end of this deal. Just because of who my hubby is. And what he does for a living.

But he's making a jackass out of himself every time we go to court. The judge had to threaten him with arresting him again. And T about had a fit when the judge ordered him to pay for my doctor's bills, all of them. From the 1st time I went to the doctor, until after our baby girl is born. He did not like that. He also ordered T to pay me spousal support. Since he makes almost 10X's as much as I do.

The crazy thing is, I never wanted any of this. I didn't want money. I didn't want any of our material goods. I just wanted out. But T didn't want to get a divorce. I don't know why. He's living with his daughter, and her mom. He's trying to make that work. But he also wants to be married to me. How is this fair?

I know that the judge is fed up. He's pissed! And now, he's making T pay in all kinds of ways. And I have no say. I'm also not going to make the judge mad. I just want a divorce by the time our little girl is born. I don't want to have to be dragging her to court too. I just hope we can get it done.

It's been a tough day. I'm ready for some ice cream. And a little relaxing. I wonder what is on TV tonight. I just need to take my mind off of the horrible day that I've had. Because we'll be back in court in 2 short weeks. XOXO

Inspiration

I found a new YouTuber to watch, Laci. She's amazing. And has a beautiful little girl, JJ. I found her recently. And over the last few days, I've watched all her videos.

I wanted to cry when I watched this video. Because I can sorta relate. But not really. My hubby was amazing to me. Until we lost our first baby. Everything went downhill from there. But Laci just shows me, you can do it. You deserve better.

I know that I deserve a better life. I deserve to have a man that loves me. A man who will respect and honor me. Not cheat on me, then throw it in my house. And tell me that I deserved it.

Laci is my inspiration. Just watching her in her last few videos, it gives me hope that my daughter and I are going to be OK. That we're going to make it. In the end, she is the only thing that matters. Thanks Laci for all your inspiration and hope that you've given me. :) XOXO

He Disappoints Me

Today, T and I went to court. We're trying to get divorced here. He is fighting it. Why? I have no damn clue. Since he's the one that cheated, had a baby with another woman, and now is dating 2 women. Ugh! It just makes me mad to try and wrap my head around it all. But there it is.

I thought for sure, I was going to be screwed today in court. But I was almost positive that I would be divorced. No. Not at all. I didn't get a divorce. The judge was pissed. And we have to return in 2 weeks. It was all my T's fault. He went a little nuts in court. Yelling and all. They threatened to arrest him. Then he shut up.

But by this time, nasty things had been said. I was in tears. And the judge was pissed! So there you go. The judge was also not happy that T has not paid for anything having to do with my pregnancy. And that I moved away, taking nothing. I also have not used any of my T's money since last June. Oh, and my car, his girlfriend is now using it.

There you go. My day. It sucked. And I'm still married. To a man that has a baby with another woman. Living in our house. And I'm here. Getting ready for our little girl. Taking care of our dog. But I would rather be on my own than to have to deal with the life that T has made for himself. It's just a mess.

But there was a good thing that happened today. Some close friends of mine welcomed their baby girl into the world today. Life is amazing. I'm so happy for them. I really need to go. It's late and I have to work tomorrow. XOXO

Lawyers and Divorce

Yesterday I went to see my lawyer. T still doesn't want to get divorced. Never mind that his daughter is days old. And he has moved in his daughter's mom into our house. There is still the other girlfriend too. What is going on with T? Is he having a mid life crisis about 10 years early?

I don't know. But the last thing I want to deal with is this divorce. And fighting with T. But I can't live like this. I need and deserve a better life. I want a better life for my daughter too. Off to the lawyer I went yesterday. I cried. I've been so emotional lately.

T wants me to have a paternity test. Why? He was the unfaithful one. And it makes me so mad! I just want a divorce. On what planet does he think I would stay married to him? He had another child with another woman. And is dating a 3rd. Craziness! What happened to the man I fell in love with and married? I don't recognize the man T has become.

But that is my life right now. At least I have W. Looks like I'll have him for a while. T doesn't seem interested in getting him back anytime soon. I'm happy about that. I need someone to love. And someone that loves me. At least W, our dog and 1st baby, can love me. I just need to stop crying over everything. People I cried watching Glee! XOXO

Consider Me Gone

This song, it comes to mind when I think of my hubby. Did he really call me? And say all those things? Like these 2 babies are all my fault? He's the one that cheated. Not me. I'm done. Beyond done to be honest. And he has the nerve to ask me to wait for him. To let him try this out with his other "Baby Mama." If that doesn't work, he wants to give us a try. I can't be serious. But he is. Oh brother! I'm done. I just can't do this anymore... XOXO