Oh My!

I'm closer to having Baby C. But not really "ready" yet. At least that is what my doctor told me. I had another "Non Stress Test" yesterday. And both Baby C and I are doing good. We're just not ready for the "Birthing Process" yet.

So my doctor gave me a list of things to do. All of which, I've been doing. You know, exercise, spicy food, relaxing. But nothing is helping. I've also tried more "natural" things. Like different herbs and teas.

The only thing I haven't tried is sex. Because I'm in the middle of a divorce. I'm pretty sure that T hates me. So that would just be stupid. And well, who else is there? I'm almost 41 weeks pregnant. Not much of a catch...

Anyway, I watched this video today on YouTube. I think I might have scared myself. So much so, that I'm OK if my daughter decides to wait until 42 weeks to make her arrival. Do they seriously have to cut you? I hope not!

I know. I went to classes. They showed us videos. But I guess it didn't feel "real" yet. Because I wasn't days away from giving birth. But you know what? Whatever it takes to have a healthy Baby C, I'm more than willing to do. I just want my little girl to be healthy. XOXO

He Makes Me Sad

I watched this video just now, and it made me cry. Why? Because look at how happy Chloe and Chris are. What an amazing dad. Chloe looks so happy!

Today, T and I had another Court Date. He insisted on it. My lawyer called me on Monday to let me know. Yes, at 39 weeks, and 2 days, I went to court. He flat out told the judge, he didn't want to be Baby C's father. Whether DNA can prove it or not.

The judge has left it up to me. If I decide to put T's name on Baby C's birth certificate, he is her father. Then I'll have the option to petition for Child Support and such. Or I can allow T to sign over all Parental Rights. If I do that, his name won't go on Baby C's birth certificate. I can't ever ask for anything from him. Which is more than OK with me. It honestly is. But the judge will not hear any of my decisions unit after Baby C is born.

Here I am, 2 days from my due date. We should be so happy! T and I should be sitting in our home, planning on our Baby Girl's birth. Just thinking about the rest of our lives. Instead, we're in Court. Fighting about whether or not T is going to be held responsible, in the eyes of the Court, as Baby C's father.

It makes me really sad. Because T and I always talked about, what it was like growing up in a "Broken Home." And how we wanted to be married forever. To give our kids a better life. Now look at us. We can't even figure out which way is up.

I wanted so badly to work this out between T and I. And when I realized that there was nothing left to fight for, I at least wanted our baby to have a good relationship with T. But T wants nothing of it. I should be grateful that he decided this before Baby C's birth. Before she grows dependent on her dad.

But it still hurts. It hurts that he left me. Left me for not only 1 other woman, but 2. Who knows, there are probably more. And that he lied to me. Lied about his Baby Girl, M. Both of these innocent babies, deserve a better father.

More than anything, it hurts me that my Baby Girl will never have a relationship with her daddy. She will never have the chance to know the loving side of him. The side that loves, comforts, and protects. It pains me that there will never be love shared between the 2 of them. But that is T's decision. Not mine. And one day, he'll have to explain that to our daughter. XOXO

Do I

This song, it reminds me of my husband. It makes me cry when I hear it. Every time. I miss him. I miss sleeping in his arms. Waking up in the morning next to him. Being silly together. Losing to him at video games. Trying to cook. Just being together.

I still love him. I'm pretty sure I always will. Especially since we're having this precious baby girl together. How can I not love him? But I'm pretty sure, he doesn't love me. No matter how much I love him, he's moved on.

That's the tough part. Because He was my everything. And here I am. Left with a baby on the way, and our dog. It's hard. It's our reality. But this song, it will always remind me of him. It's everything I feel. Why didn't he give us a chance? That, I will never know. XOXO

31 Weeks

Dear Baby Girl,

Well, our cravings are through the roof! I've been craving everything under the sun! But I'm trying to eat healthy for the 2 of us. I'm not going to lie, we do have a little something sweet every day. But you really seem to enjoy that. I hope I don't regret that later on. :)

This week, I've felt very alone. I don't know why. Maybe because your Uncle Barracuda couldn't come to see us. And I really missed that. Or maybe it was because we haven't had the chance to see your Auntie Lola and Uncle Guy. I'm sure that hasn't helped. Or maybe because all of our friends live at least 2 hours away. But it's been lonely around here.

We also had a tough Wednesday. But I don't want you to have to worry about that. You let me do the worrying. Your job is to grow, be healthy, and be happy. Remember that. That is your only job. And that will be your only job for a long time. I'm sorry your mommy and daddy screwed up so bad. It wasn't your fault. We love you!

But you, W, and me have had a great week! We've enjoyed lots of our fresh tomatoes. And just being together. I love feeling you inside my belly. The way you move. And even your kicks. It's amazing! And when your mommy needs a little smile, you seem to know. Because you do this fun flirty thing inside of my belly. It always makes me laugh!

XOXO Your Mommy

This is Tough

We went to court again today. It was so tough. T just doesn't want to acknowledge that were having a baby. The judge is so fed up with him. To tell you the truth, I thought I was going to come out on the raw end of this deal. Just because of who my hubby is. And what he does for a living.

But he's making a jackass out of himself every time we go to court. The judge had to threaten him with arresting him again. And T about had a fit when the judge ordered him to pay for my doctor's bills, all of them. From the 1st time I went to the doctor, until after our baby girl is born. He did not like that. He also ordered T to pay me spousal support. Since he makes almost 10X's as much as I do.

The crazy thing is, I never wanted any of this. I didn't want money. I didn't want any of our material goods. I just wanted out. But T didn't want to get a divorce. I don't know why. He's living with his daughter, and her mom. He's trying to make that work. But he also wants to be married to me. How is this fair?

I know that the judge is fed up. He's pissed! And now, he's making T pay in all kinds of ways. And I have no say. I'm also not going to make the judge mad. I just want a divorce by the time our little girl is born. I don't want to have to be dragging her to court too. I just hope we can get it done.

It's been a tough day. I'm ready for some ice cream. And a little relaxing. I wonder what is on TV tonight. I just need to take my mind off of the horrible day that I've had. Because we'll be back in court in 2 short weeks. XOXO

Inspiration

I found a new YouTuber to watch, Laci. She's amazing. And has a beautiful little girl, JJ. I found her recently. And over the last few days, I've watched all her videos.

I wanted to cry when I watched this video. Because I can sorta relate. But not really. My hubby was amazing to me. Until we lost our first baby. Everything went downhill from there. But Laci just shows me, you can do it. You deserve better.

I know that I deserve a better life. I deserve to have a man that loves me. A man who will respect and honor me. Not cheat on me, then throw it in my house. And tell me that I deserved it.

Laci is my inspiration. Just watching her in her last few videos, it gives me hope that my daughter and I are going to be OK. That we're going to make it. In the end, she is the only thing that matters. Thanks Laci for all your inspiration and hope that you've given me. :) XOXO

He Disappoints Me

Today, T and I went to court. We're trying to get divorced here. He is fighting it. Why? I have no damn clue. Since he's the one that cheated, had a baby with another woman, and now is dating 2 women. Ugh! It just makes me mad to try and wrap my head around it all. But there it is.

I thought for sure, I was going to be screwed today in court. But I was almost positive that I would be divorced. No. Not at all. I didn't get a divorce. The judge was pissed. And we have to return in 2 weeks. It was all my T's fault. He went a little nuts in court. Yelling and all. They threatened to arrest him. Then he shut up.

But by this time, nasty things had been said. I was in tears. And the judge was pissed! So there you go. The judge was also not happy that T has not paid for anything having to do with my pregnancy. And that I moved away, taking nothing. I also have not used any of my T's money since last June. Oh, and my car, his girlfriend is now using it.

There you go. My day. It sucked. And I'm still married. To a man that has a baby with another woman. Living in our house. And I'm here. Getting ready for our little girl. Taking care of our dog. But I would rather be on my own than to have to deal with the life that T has made for himself. It's just a mess.

But there was a good thing that happened today. Some close friends of mine welcomed their baby girl into the world today. Life is amazing. I'm so happy for them. I really need to go. It's late and I have to work tomorrow. XOXO

In Florida

We made it to Florida! I was pretty unsure of all of this. But in the end, I'm glad I came. I really needed to get away. And the office is going to be closed from Thursday until Tuesday. I'm only missing 1 day of work. I don't feel so bad.

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday. My bestie and I are going to fly back together. Back home. I know. It's crazy. But this is our life. And I have to make sure my baby girl is growing the way she is supposed to. I'm really excited!

The only thing that really almost ruined my day was running into T. He didn't expect me here. Until yesterday, I was still unsure if I was coming. T didn't even know I was considering coming. Being that we haven't talked in weeks. He was pretty pissed when he seen me. But I'm not sure why.

T brought his little girl and girlfriend down earlier this week. They've been having a family vacation. So I'm not sure why he's so pissed. But whatever. He's also trying to be "Daddy of the Year." I really hope that he is really being a good dad. And not just trying to put on some show for people. He's been posting pics of him and his daughter all week.

But I'm not going to let anything get to me. I'm here to enjoy myself. Even if Barracuda had to drag me here. I'm here. And I'm going to enjoy this. Especially the beach and my bestie! I better get my butt to bed. Because tomorrow, my bestie and I are going to do some shopping for my little girl. And we're going to the beach! XOXO

Lawyers and Divorce

Yesterday I went to see my lawyer. T still doesn't want to get divorced. Never mind that his daughter is days old. And he has moved in his daughter's mom into our house. There is still the other girlfriend too. What is going on with T? Is he having a mid life crisis about 10 years early?

I don't know. But the last thing I want to deal with is this divorce. And fighting with T. But I can't live like this. I need and deserve a better life. I want a better life for my daughter too. Off to the lawyer I went yesterday. I cried. I've been so emotional lately.

T wants me to have a paternity test. Why? He was the unfaithful one. And it makes me so mad! I just want a divorce. On what planet does he think I would stay married to him? He had another child with another woman. And is dating a 3rd. Craziness! What happened to the man I fell in love with and married? I don't recognize the man T has become.

But that is my life right now. At least I have W. Looks like I'll have him for a while. T doesn't seem interested in getting him back anytime soon. I'm happy about that. I need someone to love. And someone that loves me. At least W, our dog and 1st baby, can love me. I just need to stop crying over everything. People I cried watching Glee! XOXO

22 Weeks

Dear Baby Girl,

I'm so happy today! Your Auntie C came to visit us. And she spent the entire day with us! We went to our doctor's appointment. And your Auntie C got to see you, precious girl! She was so happy. And so was I. :)

We also went to lunch today. And we did lots of shopping for you. Your Auntie C is already spoiling you so much! You have so many cute outfits and toys now. Auntie C and I can't wait to play with you! Not only did Auntie C spoil you, she also spoiled me too! She bought your Mommy some clothes to wear while you grow big and strong. We're so lucky to have her.

But not all of this week was fun and easy. I watched your Daddy and your big sister Baby M. Your Daddy took her to work with him this week. Your sister is gorgeous! And now, I kinda know what you are going to look like. I just hope that your Daddy will be as loving with you, as he is with Baby M.

We've also spent lots of time with your Godparents. Your Godmother is performing. And your Godfather and Uncle Barracuda are working hard. We've had a lot of fun with all of them! One day, you'll learn the importance of good friends. They really do help you through all of life. The good and the bad.

But most of what this week has been about it, is that you're growing. And I can tell. My belly has popped out. And I'm getting to see more of what it's like to be pregnant. I LOVE it! But I'm pretty sure, I'm going to need to do a lot of shopping for maternity clothes. But I'm more than OK with that. Because I just want you to grow big and healthy.

That's been our week. Traveling. Spending lots of time with our friends and family. And just being happy. That's the important part of life. And I'm going to show you how to enjoy the people that love you. That's really important. Stay growing good like you are. We have 18 more weeks before we get to meet!

XOXO Your Mommy

Baby M

Today my hubby became a daddy. No, I didn't have my Baby Girl. But he had a baby girl with his ex-girlfriend. Baby M. She is gorgeous. How do I know? A friend of mine sent me a text, with Baby M's picture.

It sounds like my hubby is really happy. And I'm happy for him. I'm glad that Baby M is healthy. And that she was born happily and healthy. I only wish the best for her. And one day, I hope that she and Baby C get to be close sisters. They'll only be 4 1/2 months apart.

I really do think that it's important to be close. To have a good relationship. I really do hope that they can love each other. And that their Daddy will always be there for them. And love them both. Congrats T! XOXO

My Baby is a...

GIRL!!! Can you tell by the picture? For almost 3 weeks, I've known. But the doctor wanted to make sure. And today, I was told that 100%, my Baby is a girl! :)

I've ordered her bedding. And picked out a name. I shared her name with Baby C's Daddy. I thought he would like it. Her middle name is after T's grandma. I think that's really special.

I'm just so excited to be having a little girl. I have a little brother and a younger male cousin. But I've never been around little girls. This is going to be so amazing! I've already been shopping. Buying Baby C so many cute dresses. I can't wait to buy her dolls, hair bows, and cute shoes.

I can tell, this is the beginning to an amazing chapter in my life. No matter what has happened between T and I, we made a beautiful little girl. One that I'm going to love every day of my life. And I just can't wait to meet her! XOXO

Consider Me Gone

This song, it comes to mind when I think of my hubby. Did he really call me? And say all those things? Like these 2 babies are all my fault? He's the one that cheated. Not me. I'm done. Beyond done to be honest. And he has the nerve to ask me to wait for him. To let him try this out with his other "Baby Mama." If that doesn't work, he wants to give us a try. I can't be serious. But he is. Oh brother! I'm done. I just can't do this anymore... XOXO

Don't Cheat in Our Hometown

This song, it sums up the way I feel about my hubby's actions. I'm shocked. Sad. Mad. Everything. Why? I guess there are some things I will never really understand. Like him telling me that we were going to work through all of our problems. Then I find out he's been seeing not 1, but 2 different women. Well, that I know of. Nothing would surprise me at this point. Let's just be that honest. I guess, this is just the end. The end to our story as a couple. But not to our story together. That is still being written... XOXO

Happy Valentine's Day T!!!

T,

I know that we've had a rough few months. But I LOVE YOU! You're still the love of my life. The ONLY man that I want in my life. :)

I really do hope that you have an amazing day! I know that you have to work. We're both going to be working. But I want you to enjoy this day as much as possible. I want you to know how much I love you. And that I'll always be here for you. I'm your wife. Forever. And I know we can work through all of this. We can find our way back to each other. And we can be just as happy as we were a year ago.

I wish that I could make you some amazing meal. That I had gotten to wake up in your arms. But that's just not were we are right now. But I do want to see you. I want to have dinner with you. I want to share in your life. I want us to have a life together again. I LOVE YOU HUBBY!!!

XOXO Your Wifey

6 Weeks

Dear Baby,

Well, it's official. You're in there. At least that's what all the tests keep telling me. For about 2 weeks, I've thought I might be pregnant. I've been really tired. And feeling really sick. Mornings are almost unbearable. But it's OK. As long as you're in there. And growing like you should.

My breasts are HUGE and sore! They really do hurt. I keep trying to dress in clothes to hide. But I'm not doing so well there. Today, I took a few pregnancy tests. All confirming what I already knew. Now, I just need to tell your daddy. And all of our friends and family.

Your parents have made a bit of a mess out of their lives. It's not your fault. Please don't think it is. I already love you so much. Even while I'm throwing up my guts of the toilet. Because baby, you're special. The only one like you. Thank you for growing in your mommy. And staying safe. Your only job for the next few months is to grow strong and be healthy. Leave the rest up to me! I promise, I'm trying to make this better.

XOXO Your Mommy

Deceptively Delicious

I'm not much of a cook. Lots of people could back me up on that one. But T and I did get lots of good cookbooks, as wedding presents. And this one, it interested me. My bestie makes lots of these yummy things. And I'm interested in sneaking in veggies to lots of good food.

I've flagged a few recipes. And I'm determined to make a few this week. I'm off of work. And I have a lot of time on my hands. Besides, the brownies really do sound good. And who doesn't like a warm brownie, with iced cold milk, on a cold wintery night? XOXO

Happy Birthday Hubby!!!

Happy Birthday T!!!

Today is my hubby's birthday. And I know that the last few months haven't been the best. We've struggled. We've fought. We've separated. But through it all, one thing has never changed, just how much I love him. :)

I know with lots of hard work, we can be back to where we were. But just know that I love you with all of my heart. Know that there is still nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for you. I'm looking forward to tonight. And taking you out for a fun night. It's about time that we just hangout and just enjoy each other. And of course, to celebrate you and your birthday!

This is such a special day. It's a big day for my hubby. An important birthday. And just a special day to celebrate the man that I love. He's amazing. Completely amazing. And I love him so much! I hope I can make this a good birthday for him. XOXO

What Hurts the Most

What hurts the most is not seeing T. Not falling asleep in his arms. Not talking through our problems. Not being together. I love him. More than I can ever explain. But we're just not working out. And it won't work out if we don't sit and talk about our problems. This could take a while. But I hope that we're able to work through all of our issues. Because I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. XOXO

I Year

It's been 1 year. We've been on this journey for one year. I can't believe it! Who would have thought that I would have stuck with it? But honestly, my bestie is such an inspiration to me. :)

The last few months have been so tough. I mean really, really tough. But you know what? I'm getting stronger. T and I, we really want to make it work out. And we trying with that. Oh, and I'm working.

So if you've been reading my blog, thank you. I'm glad you've stuck by me. I know, I'm random. And crazy. But it's nice to know that someone else out there wants to read along. XOXO